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Wednesday, August 14, 2013

White Truck Wednesday: 8.14.13

   My theory, as most do, began simply as an observation, sparked by an annoyance.
   Driving Metroplex freeways - mainly 75 south from Collin County toward Dallas - I began noticing more and more a certain type of vehicle causing me the most anxiety. The white pickup.
   White trucks riding cars' bumpers, the drivers regularly pounding on their steering wheels for traffic to part for their apparently more important path. White trucks dangerously swerving in and out of congestion, often illegally using the shoulder as their personal passing lane. And white trucks, manned by a single driver, arrogantly and unlawfully using the HOV lane.
   Consider this my weekly ode to white trucks, the most aggressive, dangerous and soulless vehicles on our roadways ...

   My question today is simple, yet two-fold. And, yes, it is directed at the drivers of white pickups:
   1. Why do you extend your right arm across the back of your seat while driving?
   2. What the what with all this backing into parking spaces?
   As you've come to expect, I have a couple theories.
   Putting the arm across the seat isn't an attempt to pretend you usually have a girlfriend beside you. No, that's too easy of an explanation. The truth is that, because you drive a pickup, you fancy yourself as a macho man's man. And because you drive the most invisible vehicle on the road, you have to take drastic measures to gain attention. From your driving to, yes, your driving posture.
   As in, "I'm such a big, burly hunk of a man that even the cab of my big ol' truck can barely contain me. With all this testosterone oozing from my manliness, I've just got to stretch out and take up a lot of room. Hey, look at me being all big and spread out and barely comfortable. Because, ya know, I'm sooooo big."
   Okay then, try to lay upon me a legit reason for backing into a parking space.
   Women do not do this. Well-adjusted men do not do this. Only insecure males who are also inclined to rest their arm atop an empty seat do this.
   Don't come at me with convenience or some half-baked laws of physics or inertia or somethingorother. It's not easier to back into a parking space than it is to pull forward into one. In fact - if nothing else you have to first drive past the spot you're choosing - it's more difficult. And it's down right rude if you're taking the time to do it while other cars wait.
   And if you think it's so difficult to back out of a parking space, maybe I'd like you to reconsider driving in the first place.
   Admit it, the real reason for backing into a parking space is to get noticed. To stand out. To trick yourself into thinking you're different - and better - than the pip-squeak car next to you. To construct your own personal VIP, because every other aspect of your vanilla life doesn't provide a smidge of special for you.
   So keep on keepin' on, White Truck driver. Continue slinging your burly arm behind the seat while you and your macho vehicle back manly into parking spots.
   But I'm on to you.
   And I'm on to this week's White Truck wackiness ...

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  1. As much as I enjoy some of your writing....and really liked the Romo piece....your White Truck Wednesday is childish and played. And yes, I own a white truck, but differ quite a bit from the stereotype that you put forth on the radio and now in your blog. Regardless, I'm sure you'd brand me as a reckless redneck with too much body hair and an affinity for cheap beer and cheaper women.

    How about some pieces on the inordinate amount of middle-aged, smart-ass, Viagra-guzzling entitled yuppies with hair plugs, expensive sunglasses, fake tans and a serious case of the small-man complex weaving in and out of traffic at supersonic speeds on our freeways as if the law doesn't apply to them in their overpriced and unaffordable leased look-at-me sportsmobiles endangering not only themselves, but the rest of us, as well?

    Of course that would be far too easy, I'm certain.

  2. Maybe the driver of the first picture you posted is trying to convince himself that it is in fact a "Truck"? Maybe that also shows your ineptitude to judge "Trucks" if you indeed consider that one!

  3. RW
    as for the arm across the back of the seat the only reason I can come up with is the fact that there is usually no center console or arm rest in the cheaper white truck. so maybe it is a comfort factor. for your second point I will offer this reasoning for I have done it for this very reason. lots of people these days feel the need to raise the height of there 4x4 trucks (even though the trucks in DFW rarely see the off road mudding scene)with lift kits and oversized tires. I have found that when parking next to these trucks it is easier to leave the parking space safely by being able to pull out. it allows you to see the other traffic in the parking lot easier. just my thoughts. love the web site. keep the good stuff coming cause I read it everyday. @jtmx22

  4. All this coming from a guy who Tweets every time he or his better half farts.

  5. Couldn't agree more on the trucks backing in to spaces. It's an epedimic and it's arrogance fueled.

    1. Not arrogance fueled at all, at least in most cases. Just easier and safer to come out of a parking space head on instead of backing out, especially in the straight-in parking areas at most retail places.

    2. Basically, this. I used to drive a white pickup truck, when I was a delivery driver for an auto-parts chain. Anyway, company policy was to back in to spaces, unless they were angled due to safety concerns. It's safer to back into a space, than to back out as you pointed out.

    3. Trucks parked at an oil/gas drilling site--and only trucks are driven to a drilling site--are universally backed into spaces because there may arise a circumstance in which you'd want to depart with some immediacy. This being Texas, I suspect some of the prevalence of backward parking comes from the oil fields.

  6. OK,
    I did a quick read while watching the Rangers (they just pulled ahead 2-1 and yes, Kinsler once again hit a pop fly). Full disclosure, I cant actually quick read so god know what i actually missed, so here goes,

    Backing into a parking space seems really annoying to you, if the spaces touch, front and back, how do you now the white menace backed in and didn't just pull thru? Need m ore info,

    I drive a Volt(not my choice, company car), I have to back in or I'm putting my families future in jeopardy, take a test drive, the sight lines inhale. Maybe the white guys have the same problemo.

    I think you should consider who actually buys white trucks. Normal people do not buy white trucks. They are fleet vehicles. Every Dallas city/county vehicle is white, truck or whatever. Its the employee of the vehicle that is causing you heartburn.


    Your right.

  7. Richie I have to disagree with you. Why would you be worried about someone in their own car/truck with their arm over or around the other seat? I have never been driving and seen someone with arm on the other set and thought why is that person comfortable in their truck. I don't get it. What's the issue? So someone backs into a parking spot and thats a problem??? Why??

  8. Some don't get the tongue in cheek/satire of this stuff. I find it hilarious!

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