WHITT'S END: 9.13.13

      Whether you're at the end of your rope or merely the end of your week, welcome to Whitt's End

   *As the Rangers fall into the funk of another September Swoon, don't even start with blaming manager Ron Washington. His offense was decimated in the off-season (Josh Hamilton, Mike Napoli, Michael Young), further diluted during the season (Nelson Cruz) and his pitching staff (Colby Lewis, Neftali Feliz, Matt Harrison, Alexi Ogando) has suffered significant injuries. Right? Even if they sweep the A's in Arlington over the weekend, Rangers will be in second place come Monday morning.

   *I've been watching/remembering football since 1970 and Thursday night I witnessed a first. An amazing, incredible, improbable first. Louisiana Tech kicker Kyle Fischer made a 25-yard field goal by banking the ball off both uprights. Left. Right. Through. Most unlikely three points in the history of college football. Think about it. An oblong-spheroid football - traveling end over end, mind you - bouncing 90-degree sideways off a small, round piece of metal. The "flat" surfaces of both objects are minuscule and to have them meet just right is ... I'd love to see that Sports Science nerd or Bill Nye re-create this one. Seriously, could Dan Bailey turn that trick if he tried? Off the left upright. Then off the right upright Then through the goal post, but landing on the ground left of the original target, the left upright. No way. I'd bet him $1 a try for as long as he wanted to try. What Fischer did is the bowling equivalent of converting a 7-10 split, with an egg-shaped ball. We just saw the Halley's Comet of football. Once in our lifetime.

   *I'm all for cracking down on choreographed end-zone dances in the NFL, but the fine levied for Barry Church's touchdown celebration is ridiculous. His crime? Throwing the football into the stands. His punishment? $5,250. Allowing balls tossed into the crowd is one thing baseball has right over the other sports.

   *I know this is a stretch, but give me Mayweather over Alvarez Saturday night at the MGM in Vegas. He's 44-0 because he is the best defensive player in all of sports. Too quick and agile to ever get a clean hit on his cocky mug.

   *Alabama 37, Texas A&M 28. Even though it's impossible to root for Nick Prick Saban.

   *Remember all the back-to-back-to-back walk-off fireworks at Rangers Ballpark in August? Feels like years ago, eh? The Rangers have lost their way in the West because they suck at home. After getting swept by the Pirates they're only 39-32 in Arlington, but 15-16 since July 1. The A's at home? 47-27.

   *Strange Thursday night in college football. The above-mentioned field goal and, in Lubbock, a fox ran onto the field during Tech-TCU. No, not a hot girl from the '70s. An actual animal. (Come to think of it, never seen that before either.) It prompted Sybil and I to wonder - an then attempt to mimic - the sound a fox makes. She went with a sort of growl-meow. I offered the high-pitch, low-volume howl. Are we close? Or, on second thought, are foxes too sly to make a noise at all?

   *Wanna hear a horrible idea? Let's spend $15,000 to add a technological tweak to a "Whites Only" water fountain in Dallas as a reminder as to why we took them down in the first place. No, let's don't.

   *Hot.

   *Not.

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   *Sorry, but if you have yourself tricked into Triskaidekaphobia - fear of Friday the 13th - then we're probably not going to be friends. Life is hard enough without being irrationally scared out of your shorts by inanimate things that have zero potential of endangering you. One of my pet peeves is being weak-minded, as in, falling for crap like superstition and phobias and knocking on wood and, yes, karma. But I've got my fingers crossed behind my back as I type this. Just in case.

   *Thanks to all you who attended our official Launch Party last Saturday night at Baby Dolls. Even the guy who brought his Rangers' koozie, and bought it a lap dance. "Dude," he told me, "I don't go anywhere without it. It's good luck." Man, humans are weird.

   *The sex, drugs and cheating at Oklahoma State isn't shocking at all. Surprising part of the scandal? That T. Boone Pickens and Dez Bryant somehow escaped being implicated in any way, shape or form. Good for them.

   *Is it just me, or does Lorde's "Tennis Courts" and Matt and Kim's "Cameras" have the same beat?

   *Really, Tech? Storming the field after beating TCU? The 1-loss Frogs were ranked 24th and favored by only three. Not worthy. Sorry. You know what should have happened after the game? Fans should have walked up and thanked the referees. For a blown illegal fair-catch call that negated a Frogs' punt-return touchdown. And for an interference call on a Tech punt return that turned what should have been a Raiders' fumble into Tech possession plus a 15-yard penalty. Atrocious.

   *I know this sounds like a broken record, but I talked again today with a source heavily involved in a new all-sports radio station set to launch in DFW. He says the wheels are in still in motion. That the idea is alive and kicking. AM dial. 50,000 watts. "Guy talk." But, at this point, I'll believe it when I see hear it.

   *A commenter on this blog referred to me last week as a "pussy." Pretty sure he meant it in a derogatory way. But it got me to thinking. Shouldn't "pussy" be the ultimate compliment a man can give someone? We think about it all day. We crave it. We honor it, put it on a pedestal. We long to spend our days ogling photos and videos of it. We lie, steal, cheat and work 80-hour weeks to be able to afford it. We've fought wars over it. Yet somehow being called "pussy" is supposed to hurt my feelings? Calling someone a "big pussy" should be a way of acknowledging that he's one of the most admired, respected people on the planet. Of course we're also the people who bestow compliments such as "You're the shit." Man, he repeated, humans are weird.

   *Twitter has filed preliminary IPO paperwork to take the company to the stock market. It has less than $1 billion in annual revenue. I'm so dumb I don't understand how it has any revenue. Never seen an ad on Twitter. You?

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   *One day I'm watching these lucky Lottery winners on TV and one of the guys has on a T-Shirt that says "Keep Calm ... Chive On." Didn't understand, but didn't think much of it. Until, that is, I'm watching JumboJerry last Sunday night at AT&T Stadium. During a timeout they're scanning the crowd for hot chicks and - bam - a buh-NAN-uh in a "Keep Calm ... Chive On!" T-Shirt. So I investigated. Damn. Gotta get me one of those shirts.

   *Reminded last night that Bill Belichick is an all-time jerk. There was a skirmish at the end of Patriots-Jets and two New York linemen - Willie Colon and D'Brickashaw Ferguson - were ejected. Happened in the final minute and all that's left was one Tom Brady kneel-down and game over. But, nooo, Belidick is insistent that the two ejected Jets are made to literally leave, forced to run from their bench across the field to the locker-room tunnel. Because, as we all know, Belichick is such a stickler for rules. Unless, of course, he's setting up secret cameras to spy on other teams' practices. Then his morals are a tad more flexible. How does anybody root for that guy?

   *Those stubbornly clinging to the notion that baseball is still America's Pastime must cringe at this. The Olympics just reinstated wrestling over baseball. Wrestling! Ouch.

   *Always said I wouldn't mind living in Scandinavia, and now I know why. First, those neutral countries are never involved in world conflict. Second, they're the happiest nations on the planet. Perhaps 1 begats 2, no? A new study says the happiest countries in the world are 1. Denmark; 2. Norway; 3. Switzerland; 4. Netherlands; 5. Sweden. The U.S. came in at No. 17. Now get back to work and worry some more on how we can fix Syria's problems!

   *Didn't take race-baiting columnist/blowhard Jason Whitlock long to get into trouble at ESPN. In commenting on Sports Illustrated's fantastic Oklahoma State scandal story this week, Whitlock said of author Thayer Evans: "Let me end by saying this and I honestly mean this without malice. It wouldn't shock me if Thayer Evans couldn't spell "cat" and I say that in all seriousness." In all seriousness? Really? Does Whitlock have any idea how stupid it makes him look to think that an elite investigative journalist can't spell a three-letter household word? Sounds like somebody's pissed a big story got broken right under their nose.

   *A man - Houston attorney Tony Buzbee - paid a record $115,000 for a Texas A&M "12th Man" license plate. Even though he's giving it to an A&M war veteran, that's an Aggie joke, right? $115,000?!

   *If Mark Sanchez played quarterback for the Jaguars would we even know he was hurt? Instead, ESPN is reading his texts, displaying anatomy diagrams and breathlessly reporting every detail about his shoulder injury. He's a below-average quarterback on a mediocre team. Not interested.

   *Dead 'n Gone: TV theme songs. I grew up singing along to Gilligan's Island ("Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale ... ") and Cheers (" ... where everybody knows your name ... "). These days I love Dexter and Breaking Bad, but I don't know one word of their opening songs. Why? 'Cuz there aren't any. I guess True Blood ("I wanna do bad things with you ... ") is the exception. Speaking of openings, what do we think of Carrie Underwood's Sunday Night Football routine? Feels uncomfortable at first, but I betcha by December we won't remember how ol' whatzhername's version sounded.

   *What's former Stars' star Mike Modano up to these days? Crafting his own beer. Called "561", after the number of goals he scored in the NHL. Very cool.

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   *So let me get this straight: Football is a violent game played by tough Gladiators that ... wear wigs? Watching the Red Zone channel last Sunday I was taken aback by all the long hair sticking out from helmets and down backs. Since we never notice that "in-between" length on these players, we have to believe they're wearing hair extensions, right? Man, he recited for a third time, humans are weird. Then he looked in the mirror, remembered that he underwent two hair transplant surgeries, has an appointment for a fresh frosting of the tips Saturday morning, mumbled something about "you" and "weirder" and trundled off to bed.

   *I got my eye on a new iPhone 5s. The fingerprint lock is muy bueno. And, speaking of technology, when Tweetdeck died about a month ago I fiddled around with alternatives like Tweetbot, etc. Final choice: Regular ol' Twitter. It's perfectly fine on my phone. Who knew?

   *You'd think one Leon Lett Super Bowl highlight or the memory of DeSean Jackson's Monday Night Football gaffe would do the trick, but apparently not. Twice this season already I've seen players scoring touchdowns instead drop the football just before crossing the goal line. Happened last night when Tech running back DeAndre Washington took a swing pass and sprinted down the sideline for a key score in a 10-10 game late in the fourth quarter. But inexplicably - trying to look cool, I guess? - he casually dropped the ball at the 1-yard line. I don't want to sound too old-manish here, but does dropping the ball actually in the end zone somehow strip you of street cred? It's gotta be the dumbest, most maddening play in all of sports.

   *Remember the "friend" who I loaned $6,500 to in May? After much consultation I decided to have my attorney send him a demand letter. If he doesn't repay by Oct. 5, it's off to small claims court where it's a no-brainer. I've got our agreement, my work and his excuses all neatly documented. Hate to do it, but I'm left with no choice. If it was $65 or even $650 I'd have more patience, but $6,500 is real money. Right, Pizza Buzz?

   *We hear all these people who "die", see a wonderful bright white light inviting them to Heaven before being yanked back to life on Earth. Ever hear of somebody who temporarily died and reported seeing darkness lit only by searing flames? Didn't think so. How convenient.

   *Speaking of - and wondering about - Pizza Buzz? Yeah, me too. Construction delays/snafus have continually pushed us back. At this point Oct. 1 seems realistic. And, yes, I'm beyond frustrated with starting a business from the ground up. Why didn't anyone warn me? Oh, you tried? Screw me. Being the first restaurant in the Metroplex to deliver pizza and beer will still be a success, it'll just occur after foreplay that has been longer and more expensive than I envisioned. Oct. 1. Knock on wood.

   *Diana Nyad swimming is one thing. But flying across the Atlantic via a bunch of toy balloons? No friggin' way he makes it.

   *How powerful is the NFL? Last week its games were the top-rated show of the week in all 30 of its TV markets. That's how powerful.

   *This weekend? Tonight Sybil and I are going to Dia De Los Toadies at the Panther Island Pavilion in Fort Worth. Never been to this water concert venue, but looking forward to it. Saturday is tennis, followed by 'Bama-A&M. Sunday is Cowboys-Chiefs, capped off by the sold-out Dinner For Justice event, emceed by Sybil and produced by DFWRescueMe. Don't be a stranger.

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1-Nil Belongs on Soccer Pitch, Not Inside Rangers Ballpark in Arlington

   Flo from Progressive's sex appeal.
   Sympathy for the Texas Longhorns.
   The Cowboys' playoff success this millennium.
   Scoring in tonight's U.S.-Mexico soccer match.
   The girl to the right's bikini.
   Oklahoma State's credibility.
   Yeah, the Rangers' offensive support for Yu Darvish is that small. They're so inept with their ace on the mound these days you'd think RISP was a four-letter obscenity.
   Darvish bounced back from one of his worst starts as a Ranger, holding the Pittsburgh Pirates to one run Monday night before leaving with cramps in his leg after six innings and 81 pitches. But yet again, one run was one too many as the offense managed only three singles in a painful 1-0 loss.
   As the Rangers now face their largest division deficit (two games) since Aug. 5 and the Oakland A's' Magic Number dwindles to 20, this has deteriorated from a statistical oddity into an alarming trend. The Rangers have lost the last five starts by Darvish. In those games they've produced run totals of 3, 2, 2, 4 and 0.
   Darvish's  last win? Aug. 12 against the Houston Astros. Score: 2-1.

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   "This is what it is," said Darvish, who's receiving a minuscule 2.9 runs of support in his last 19 starts. "It's baseball. Sometimes, the offense can't score a run. Some days, you might score 20 runs. Some days, you might throw a no-hitter and not win. The hitters did their best and I did my best."

   Another September, another offensive swoon?

   We all know how Josh Hamilton and the bats vanished down the stretch a year ago. And so far, so ugly in 2013. Totally neutered by Pirates' rookie Gerrit Cole, the Rangers - I think it's safe to say they now miss Nelson Cruz - have scored five runs or less in nine consecutive games. Their only scoring chance last night came after two walks and three stolen bases in the 6th, but Adrian Beltre hit a harmless chopper to shortstop.

   Darvish is the first Rangers' starter to lose three 1-0 games in a season. It happened May 21 against A's, July 27 at Cleveland and last night. If it happens again in his next start - Saturday against Oakland - he'll pull his hair out and we'll likely count Texas out.

   Darvish deserved better. Unlike in Oakland when he was a nibbling, angry, pouting mess, he was aggressive and animated on the mound. But he also must come to grips with this realization:

   There have been 14 1-0 games at Rangers Ballpark in 20 seasons, two of them with him pitching this summer.

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WHITT'S END: 9.6.13

      Whether you're at the end of your rope or merely the end of your week, welcome to Whitt's End

   *Disneyland coming to Texas has been a rumor longer than the one about that giant swarm of killer bees migrating to the Metroplex. And with the Cowboys planting roots in Frisco, the urban legend has been re-booted. Or is fake after all? I'm told by some astute real-estate folks that Disney is again sniffing around the land along Dallas Parkway all the way up near 380. I was at that intersection yesterday and it'd be the perfect spot. And to piggyback America's theme park with the headquarters of America's Team ... maybe it's too good to be true.

   *Those people bouncing into the office today, passing out free donuts and high-fives? They have Peyton Manning on their Fantasy Football teams. Seven touchdown passes, 0 interceptions in Denver's season-opening romp over the defending Ravens Thursday night. No Cowboys' quarterback has ever thrown seven. Or six. A bunch have had five-touchdown games including Eddie LeBaron, Don Meredith, Craig Morton, Danny White, Troy Aikman and Tony Romo. Nope, Roger Staubach never threw more than four.

   *After losing two of three to the A's, the Rangers' lead in the AL West has gone the way of Lamar Odom's value - poof. And it only gets tougher. After going a month with games against losing teams, Texas plays opponents with +.500 records 13 consecutive games starting with the Pirates on Monday. Oakland, meanwhile, has only three games left against a winning team, and that's when it visits Arlington next weekend.

   *Of course, a year ago today we thought the Rangers were in great shape. On Sept. 6, 2012, they led the A's by 5.5 games before ... well, you know the rest.

   *Johnny Goofball is on the cover of TIME magazine this week under a headline that screams for universities to start paying its athletes. (But, wait, if he didn't take any money for signing autographs why is this idea being brought up again? Wink.) Can't tell you what a horrible idea this is. Athletes are already paid. Their paychecks are called scholarships. Now, take away their free housing, books and classes and we'll talk. But paying athletes will reduce their motivation of going to class. And even if it's legal to pay players, you don't think some schools are going to break those rules and push those limits? Paying players will create more problems than it will solve.

   *I can be a fun man. But I am not a smart man. The latter was on full display last weekend at a pool party in which I thought it would be a good idea to do shots of tequila while getting zapped by a dog's shock collar, then capping it off with a game of beer pong substituting Crown Royal Black. I'm just now recovered.

   *We all know the Giants are 4-0 in Arlington. But if the Cowboys are to start 1-0 Sunday Night at AT&T Stadium they'll have to buck another long-term trend. In the last 14 years they've started a season with a win at home just once ... in '07 against the Giants.

   *There are only four receivers in NFL history with at least 200 catches, 2,500 yards and 25 touchdowns in their first three seasons: Jerry Rice. Randy Moss. Andre Rison. And ... yep, Dez Bryant.

   *Hot.

   *Not.

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   *President Obama says he didn't draw a red line, the world did. Then, um, why isn't "the world" helping us police the violence in Syria? The answer is because no other country has the audacity to tell another country what is and what isn't an acceptable form of killing its own people. America has as many gun deaths as the rest of the world combined. And, oopsy, we launched a couple drone strikes on civilians. But poison gas, that we won't stand for!

   *I know Yu Darvish doesn't get a lot of run support, but this is why he won't win AL Cy Young: He's coughed up late-inning, two-run leads in six of his 27 starts, and against the A's he's 0-3 with a 5.29 ERA.

   *The impressive debut of Florida State freshman quarterback "Famous" Jameis Winston came with lots of local plot lines. The Rangers drafted the kid last year in the 15th round. And Mack Brown missed out on him. Joining Andrew Luck, Robert Griffin III and Johnny Manziel, Winston wanted to be a Longhorn but was never offered a chance to play quarterback in Austin. Says Famous Jameis, "If I'd gotten an offer from Texas I'd be going to Texas right now." Hook 'em?

   *Ya know, for such a prolific receiver - five 110+ catch seasons in the last six years - Wes Welker doesn't have great hands. He dropped a pass and a punt last night. And we all remember his critical drop of a Tom Brady pass in Super Bowl 46.

   *Sounds crazy, but give me Tony Romo over Joe Flacco. The Super Bowl MVP doesn't create positive plays with his legs and he's just not that accurate with his arm. Obviously Romo authors more negative plays with his mind, but I think the Cowboys would be a 5-11 team with Flacco instead of 8-8 with No. 9.

   *I know it's blasphemy to criticize Mariano Rivera. But the Yankees' closer who gets standing ovations in opponents' parks is suddenly having a crappy farewell tour. He suffered his sixth blown save of the season last night in a loss to the Red Sox. By comparison, Rangers' closer Joe Nathan has blown only two, going 38 of 40.

   *Of the Cowboys' final 53-man roster, only 23 are draft choices. I don't have the facts to back this up, but that's gotta be ridiculously low. Right?

   *Is there anything more automatic and boring than the kickoff at Mile High Stadium? There were 14 of 'em Thursday night, resulting in 14 touchbacks.

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   *I like electronica music. I like dance music. One of my favorite satellite radio stations is Electric Area (XM 52). But, sorry, I do not get the fascination with Daft Punk. Saw them on MTV's Video Music Awards last week and they're just two dudes dressed up as robots, who presented an award without saying a single word. And their music is just ... irritating. Their latest hit (a collaboration with something called Panda Bear) is "Doin' It Right" and - I swear - the start of the song just repeats the same simpleton, shallow line 26 times via computerized, digitized voices. I thought "Around The World" was mindless, until I heard "Everybody will be dancing ... and be doin' it right." Over. And over. And over again. And over some more.

   *In case you missed our monthly radio ratings report, it's right here. Fan fans, hide your eyes. It ain't pretty.

   *From the Dept. of "It Pays to Be Smokin' Hot": A woman kidnapped in downtown Dallas was rescued in Kauffman. How? Two teens ogling her at a stoplight saw her mouth "Help me" and called 911. Very cool. Now go put on some makeup! Ya know, just in case.

   *I'm by no means a good swimmer, but I'm also not that impressed with 64-year-old Diana Nyad's swim from Cuba to Florida on her fifth attempt over 35 years. I guess it was like Roy McAvoy's shot over the water in Tin Cup. Cool, but severely diluted because it took so many tries. Perfection > Perseverance.

   *Asked on The Ticket Thursday morning about his Cowboys' prediction, Troy Aikman said they could win "ten" games. Awesome! Or "six" games. Awful! Wait, what the what?! Love Aikman, but I don't quite understand his appeal on TV. His opinions are too "I kinda sorta think" watered-down and his takes are too often fence-riding. Like that one. It's cheap to predict 10-6, or 6-10. Of course, that way he's never wrong. Whether the Cowboys make the playoffs or not, he saw it coming.

   *Next time you start your tired old rant about "that greedy bastard Jerry Jones has priced us common folks out of going to games ...", just stop. The Cowboys do not have the most expensive tickets in the NFL. And, really, it's not even close. Bears' fans are paying an average of $172 more per ticket than you. Pretty sure AT&T Stadium's $75 parking is among the most expensive though.

   *I really missed Jon Stewart and his Daily Show over the summer.

   *Cowboys are 1-8 in their last nine games on NBC's Sunday Night Football. DeMarcus Ware will be one of the 13 NFL players you see in NBC's open. And, remember, Faith Hill has been replaced by Carrie Underwood. Happy slobbering.

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   *If you're not busy Saturday night - or if you simply like hot women, free pizza and cool T-Shirts - it's this here blog's official Launch Party at Baby Dolls Dallas. Be there or be square.

   *Not surprised that Andy Murray lost in the U.S. Open quarterfinals. I know he's the defending champion in New York and at Wimbledon, but the guy doesn't have a singular weapon. Worse, he has the worst body language of any champion I've ever seen. Sorry, Monday Night Football, but I'll be glued to the expected Nadal-Djokovich prime-time final over Eagles-Redskins.

   *America is officially dumb. We're spending our time watching Duck Dynasty and playing some iPhone game called Candy Crush. (Number of minutes I've spent doing either: 0.) If it's not bad enough that the reality show about bearded billionaires was cable TV's most-watched show again last week, then how about the fact that Candy Crush is making $850,000 ... per day!

   *Good news this morning: Dallas police have arrested 29-year-old Alan Mason of Dallas in connection with the serial rapes of nine women in the Fair Park area.

   *My new NBC 5 TV buddy Pat Doney has a great, exclusive feature on a Cowboys' assistant coach who has overcome serious health problems. It's worth staying up for after the game Sunday night.

   *Hey you, the jerk. It is not cool to be in a single line of cars all merging left because of a sign that says "Right Lane Closed Ahead. Merge Left", but instead jump out to right, pass about 20 cars and then put on your left signal and "pretend" to have somehow not known the lane was ending. You'll pass 20 cars. But you're daring karma. And you're a jerk.

   *If you , like me, think the only thing better than the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders is the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders in bikinis, you probably want to tune in to the Season 8 premiere of CMT's Making the Team.

   *Toldja Tim Tebow would be cut by the Patriots. Seriously, can we finally stop adoring him as God's special messenger/anointed leader? He's just a good guy and a great college football player, who had one of the luckiest month-long runs of any quarterback in NFL history. His 15 minutes are up. To all the folks like Bill Simmons and R.J. Choppy who incessantly Tweeted "Teeeeeeeboooooooowwwwww!" as he'd "lead" the Broncos to another 9-6 win back in 2011, how's this taste? "Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttttttttttttttttt!"

   *This weekend: Tomorrow morning is tennis, followed Saturday night by our Launch Party. And the next day, of course, we kick-off 22 consecutive Sundays of NFL, capped by Sunday night's Cowboys-Giants. Don't be a stranger.

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Who Roots For Whom? My Guide to Fan Profiling in the Metroplex

   The Rangers have held their opponent to five runs or less in 30 consecutive games.
   With 25 games remaining in the regular season, the Rangers are tied for first place in the AL West.
   So why did I get this email from a fan this morning in the wake of Monday's 4-2 loss to the Oakland A's?

   Rangers are done. Stick a fork in 'em. Sorry, but you don't have us to kick around anymore.

   I'll tell you why. Because - by far - Rangers fans are the most sensitive of all Metroplex sports rooting bases. There's an inferiority complex born out of being the only local team without a championship trophy horn to toot. (I get it, 41 years without a title will erode the thickest of skin.) There's a doomsday mindset of "Crap, here we go again" at the faintest hint of a losing streak.
   And, most of all, because Rangers fans are the most possessive about their team. If anybody's gonna write them off it will be - first and foremost - their own fans.
   I know. Weird.
   The Rangers - even without steroid slugger Nelson Cruz - got back into this race by going almost a month (24 games from Aug. 4 - Sept. 2) without playing a game against a team with a winning record. Down the stretch they'll have to be better as 15 of their final 25 are against teams with +.500 records.
   Their fans will also have to be better.
   Not so knee-jerky and, let's face it, not so jerky.
   During a game against the Seattle Mariners last week Elvis Andrus was called out for running outside the lane to first base. He was clearly out, yet he began arguing. And here comes manager Ron Washington, running onto the field and halting to play to challenge the call and likely protect his player from arguing.
   I Tweeted that it was nonsensical and archaic to allow a coach to run on the field for ... anything. I offered that if anyone needed to protect a player, it should be the coach already on the field standing right next to him - in that case first-base coach Dave Anderson.
   The feedback I received was exclusionary, high, hard and inside.
   "Jackass."
   "Idiot."
   "Racist."
   "No wonder you no longer have a radio show."
   It dawned on me that Rangers fans - and I've been one since their arrival in 1972 - are not only simple and sensitive, but scared. Of change. Of having their sacred traditions challenged. Of having their unwritten rules edited. Of anything that isn't familiar and comfortable.
   Armed with these insults and information, I did some serious silly stereotyping. I created the tongue-in-cheek typical traits, behavior and preferences via fan-base profiles ...

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   TEXAS RANGERS
   Age: 32
   Sex: Male
   Ethnicity: White
   Collar: Blue
   Vehicle: 'Merican White Truck
   Address: Tarrant County
   Hobby: Family/Whittlin'
   Occupation: Manual labor/Data entry
   Musical artist: George Strait
   Place of worship: First Baptist Church of FillInTheCity
   Sexual position: Missionary
   Food: Sonic/Cracker Barrel
   Soft drink: Coke
   Beer: Shiner Bock

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   DALLAS COWBOYS
   Age: 38
   Sex: Male
   Ethnicity: Hispanic
   Collar: Cloaked in a jersey
   Vehicle: Van
   Address: Irving
   Hobby: Gloating
   Occupation: Retail
   Musical artist: Carrie Underwood
   Place of worship: AT&T Stadium
   Sexual position: Doggie
   Food: Sports bar nachos
   Soft drink: Jarritos
   Beer: Budweiser

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   DALLAS MAVERICKS
   Age: 27
   Sex: Male
   Ethnicity: Mutt
   Collar: Popped
   Vehicle: Leased BMW
   Address: Uptown
   Hobby: Twerking
   Occupation: Sales
   Musical artist: Drake
   Place of worship: Fellowship Church
   Sexual position: Threesome
   Food: Nick & Sam's/ Sliders
   Soft drink: Red Bull
   Beer: Deep Ellum Brewing's Dallas Blonde

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   DALLAS STARS
   Age: 42
   Sex: Executive
   Ethnicity: White
   Collar: White
   Vehicle: Cadillac
   Address: Frisco
   Hobby: Shopping
   Occupation: CEO
   Musical artist: Pantera
   Place of worship: Office
   Sexual position: Porn
   Food: Steak
   Soft drink: Dr Pepper
   Beer: Labatt Blue

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Rangers Win, Walk-Off and Waaaay Over-Celebrate

   Is it just me, or is baseball the most over-celebrating of all sports?
   The Rangers did it again last night, beating the Disastros 5-4 and - in what feels like a regular occurrence this month - producing walk-off drama. This time it was Elvis Andrus.
   Bailing out a Tanner Scheppers 8th-inning meltdown (a walk, two wild pitches and two hit batters in 20 offerings) that channeled the days of Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams, Elvis cockily, comically flipped his bat at the sight of his 250-foot, can-o'-corn popout that was just enough to drive home Adam Rosales with the head-first, sliding, winning run.
   As has become baseball custom - CLUE #6: "at" - Elvis was absolutely mobbed. Jersey torn off. Pulled around the infield by his undershirt, sliding helplessly on his butt. I'm sure a post-game pie in the face or Gatorade bucket dump punctuated the proceedings.
   Granted, there's a lot to celebrate these days for the Rangers.

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   They have gained a whopping 8.5 games on the A's in just 23 days, turning a 6-game deficit on July 29 into a 2.5-game lead as you awake this morning.
   And, is it too soon to mention magic numbers? Okay, then I won't tell you that Texas' is down to 37.
   The Rangers are just plain fun. They lead baseball with 40 come-from-behind wins and I think that's their fifth walk-off version. I admit to being on the edge of my seat as they put the winning run in scoring position in the 9th. Beating the worst team in baseball (history?) is hardly a feat. And a lazy flyball to left is hardly a heroic individual accomplishment.
   But the Rangers celebrate wins in mid-August as much as they have victories in early October. Their mobile mosh-pit madness certainly trumps reactions to wins by the Mavs (who play half as many games with double the importance) or the Cowboys (who play only 16).
   No doubt the Rangers over-celebrate. And no doubt it's fantastic theater.

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Rangers Give Astros a Silver-Boot Butt-Kicking. Rinse. Repeat. Enjoy.

   In the biginning, God Leonys Martin created a bunt single.
   Then a single.
   Followed by a sacrifice bunt.
   Which begat an intentional walk.
   Single.
   Single.
   Double.
   Walk.
   Error.
   Walk.
   Error.
   Single.
   Groundout.
   Single.
   Lineout.
   Add it all up and ... CLUE #1: "I" ... man I love when the Rangers play the Houston DisAstros.

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   In their biggest inning in four years, the Rangers sent 15 batters to the plate in the 3rd last night, scoring 11 runs on seven hits, three walks and two errors. All nine Rangers in the lineup crossed the plate. And to think, they voluntarily gave up on an out when Ian Kinsler sacrifice-bunted.
   Though impressive, the feat didn't flirt with Texas' all-time record for runs in an inning: 16, against the Orioles back in 1996.
   While Matt Garza enjoyed the season-high run support in the 16-5 win, the Rangers basked in the glow of another cakewalk against Houston. Since that season-opening loss way back in March, Texas has won 12 of 13 against the Astros and are an astounding 31-7 vs. their Lone Star Pinata since 2009.
   Former-Astro-turned-newest-Ranger Travis Blackley - talking about dying and going to baseball Heaven - will get his first win in a Texas uniform tonight against the awful Astros, who are now 30.5 games behind the Rangers in the AL West.
   Houston has 41 wins, only five more than Texas' MLB-leading 36 road wins.

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April: Umps Giveth to Joe Nathan; July: Umps Taketh Away From Joe Nathan

 

   Joe Nathan slipped. And the Rangers fell.
   Weird night at the Ballpark.
   Seeing the Rangers' almost-automatic closer (31 of 32 save opportunities entering the game) fall and fail was as rare as Dirk Nowitzki missing consecutive free throws (87% career) or Dan Bailey missing an extra point (76 of 76 in career).
   Just doesn't happen.
   But it did.
   And, because of it, the Rangers lost a 5-4 game to an underwhelming, unrecognizable New York Yankees' lineup featuring guys named Melky Mesa, Eduardo Nunez, Brent Lillibridge and Austin Romine. You expect to see them wearing numbers in the 60s during Spring Training exhibitions, not producing key at-bats against an All-Star reliever in late July.
   Problems started in the 9th when Nathan got squeezed by home-plate umpire Kerwin Danley.

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   A couple of close pitches walked Vernon Wells, but then Nathan threw consecutive sliders that - according to the computerized Fox Box - nipped the bottom of the strike zone. Nope, not good enough for Danley. Nathan dug out of 2-0 back to 2-2 when, inexplicably, his plant foot landed awkwardly and he slipped.
   While he fell on the mound, the ball bounced about 50 feet for a wild pitch. Nunez ripped the ensuing 3-2 fastball for a triple, and Lillibridge - hitting a robust .088 - then served a single to left for the game-winning RBI.
   Instead of  Nathan's 32nd save, Mariano Rivera closed out the 9th for his 32nd. And he did it, by the way, by striking out Leonys Martin on three called strikes that - again, according to the computer - weren't in the strike zone.
   Nathan got squeezed, slipped and, let's face it, sucked. But when your closer goes two months between blown saves - his other came May 26 against the Mariners - you can't really complain.
   The Rangers were 51-0 when leading after 8 innings. I said were.
   Said Rangers' manager Ron Washington after the game, "That was weird the way it happened."
   You can blame Danley all you want. I still think there'll be a day when a computer calls balls and strikes and we don't have to suffer through arrogant umpires' personally customized strike zones.
   But before you bitch and moan too loud or long, remember that time in April when the umps awarded Nathan his 300th career save on (low) silver platter?
   Call it even?
      

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Ryan Braun and The Top 10 Worst Liars in the History of Sports

   Ryan Braun is an asshole.
   Not because he used performance enhancing drugs (PEDs), lots of baseball players have and probably still do that. But because of his arrogant denials to the charges, even going so far as to "bet my life" he was innocent while criticizing a urine-sample collector's actions as "fatally flawed."
   Baseball's 2011 MVP and five-time All-Star doped, lied and, in the end, got caught. He accepted a 65-game suspension Monday, ending his season and reserving his spot alongside Pete Rose as one of the sport's all-time liars. He'll lose $20,070 in salary every day for the rest of 2013.
   And really, considering his brash denials, it isn't nearly enough.
   "We won," Braun chortled last February after winning an appeal on a technicality. "Because the truth is on my side. The truth is always relevant, and at the end of the day, the truth prevailed."
   A short pause while we all vomit. ... And then giggle.
   Since Braun's punishment stems from his dealings with the Biogenesis Clinic in Miami, who's next? Alex Rodriguez? Or perhaps Rangers' All-Star outfielder Nelson Cruz?
   While we wait for Braun's buddy Aaron Rodgers to pay off on his bold wager of a year's salary if the Brewers' outfielder wasn't telling the truth, let's try to put the latest lies into some historical perspective.
   Since my old truth-twisting partner isn't eligible, who then is the boldest liar in the history of sports?

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   10. Rosie Ruiz - The unknown "won" the 1980 Boston Marathon, but later admitted under intense scrutiny that she, in fact, jumped out of the crowd and only ran the final mile of the race.

   9. Floyd Landis/Tyler Hamilton - The American cyclists provided two of the most ridiculous excuses for their positive drug tests. In 2008 Landis blamed his on whiskey; Hamilton, in 2005, on a "vanishing twin" who supposedly left traces of PEDs in his mom's uterus before dying in utero. He finally confessed five years later.

   8. Nick Saban - Late in the Miami Dolphins' 2006 season he was asked about the coaching vacancy at Alabama. "Let me repeat this for those of you can't seem to understand," Saban said sternly at a press conference in December, "I'm not going to be the Alabama coach." Three weeks later he left Miami ... for Alabama.

   7. Danny Almonte - The 12-year-old New Yorker dominated the Little League World Series in 2001 ... because he was actually 14. Using an altered birth certificate to play against younger, smaller, weaker opponents, he pitched a perfect game and hurled 75-mph fastballs before tournament officials caught him and his father in the elaborate lie.

   6. Rafael Palmeiro - His repeated finger-wagging denials - "I have never used steroids. Period!" - to Congress in 2005 makes him the poster boy for not telling the truth. Even under oath.

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  5. Ryan Braun - His arrogance and calling out of an honest sample-collector makes his lies all the more disgusting. "I truly believe in my heart and I would bet my life that this substance never entered my body at any point," he said last year. His life ain't over. But his career should be.

   4. Bobby Petrino - A world-class liar on two fronts, he first promised the Atlanta Falcons he wasn't leaving as their head coach before bolting to Arkansas. Then as a Razorback he lied to administrators about the details of his 2012 motorcycle crash, conveniently leaving out the bits about the girl on the back being his mistress, whom he had hired a week earlier to be a football staff assistant.

   3. Marion Jones - One of the most dominant sprinters in Olympic history, the American returned five medals and had her name wiped from the record books in 2007 when she confessed to doping and lying to federal agents after a decade of vehement denials.

   2. Pete Rose - Steadfastly denied ever betting on baseball until 2004 when he confessed ahead of the release of his new book. His lies have permanently banned him from the Hall of Fame.

   1. Lance Armstrong - Lance Liestrong's transcendent web of fibs covered 7 Tours de France, ruined the careers of numerous cyclists - even some teammates - and misled millions of cancer patients into believing he was an authentic hero.

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Will Matt Garza Crack Jon Daniels' Top 3 Deadline Deals For Your Texas Rangers?

   The Texas Rangers are better equipped to make a deep playoff run today than they were yesterday. And, after all, isn't that the point?
   Some people save their pennies for a rainy day. The Rangers, meanwhile, have for years stockpiled one of baseball's best farm systems for a trade day. In acquiring front-line pitcher Matt Garza from the Chicago Cubs, the Rangers loudly re-iterated the philosophy we all want to hear:
   Win now. Worry about the future later.
   Garza is a stud, a fierce competitor who has been the best pitcher in baseball since June 15 (5-0, 1.24 ERA). He'll make his first start in Arlington tomorrow night against the Yankees and, if all goes well, line up behind Yu Darvish and ahead of Derek Holland in Texas' post-season rotation.
   "He's an extremely talented pitcher," said Rangers' GM Jon Daniels. "He's had success in the toughest divisions and the biggest stages. He was throwing the ball as well as anybody right now. He has a power repertoire, who is something that's a little different from what we've got. And he was available. He was, in our opinion, the best guy on the market and we wanted to go out and make a push to get him."
   The deal wasn't, however, a slam dunk.

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   Garza will be a free agent after the season, meaning the Rangers - like the Anaheim Angels with Zack Greinke last summer - might rent him for 10 starts and then lose him next winter with zero compensation. He's only 2-3 at Rangers Ballpark with a 6.04 ERA, but he did beat Texas in Game 3 of the 2010 ALDS.
   And the price is steep. Justin Grimm won eight games for the Rangers the last two seasons. Class A pitcher C.J. Edwards was of the most electric arms in the farm system. And Mike Olt has gold-glove potential at third base and was Texas' best power-hitting minor-league prospect.
   That's three players, in exchange for three months. But when you're the Rangers the only goal is winning the World Series. The reward in acquiring Garza is high, and Texas couldn't afford not to take the risk.
   Besides, Daniels' July trades have worked in the past. Maybe notsamuch last year with Ryan Dempster, but ...

   3. 7.28.06 - Daniels targeted Carlos Lee in the deal that sent Francisco Cordero, Kevin Mench and Laynce Nix to the Milwaukee Brewers, but ultimately it was secondary asset Nelson Cruz that made the trade work.
   2. 7.9.10 - Tough to part with top prospects Justin Smoak and Blake Beavan, but not when the return pushed you into your first World Series. Cliff Lee only made 20 starts for the Rangers, but the deal was an epic victory.
   1. 7.31.07 - Daniels pulled off the best trade in franchise history, sending free-agent-to-be Mark Teixeira and Ron Mahay to the Atlanta Braves for Elvis Andrus, Matt Harrison, Neftali Feliz, Jarrod Saltalamacchia and Beau Jones.

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Another Season, Another Rangers' Deadline-Deal With the Cubs

   On a busy sports day in which the Cowboys moved closer to a corporate partner and the Mavericks diminished the role of Donnie Nelson by hiring a new GM, the Rangers have made the most of their afternoon at-bat via a trade with the Chicago Cubs.
   2012: Ryan Dempster.
   2013: Matt Garza.
   In this year's deadline deal the Rangers are giving up pitcher Justin Grimm and minor-league prospects Mike Olt and C.J. Edwards in return for a Cubs' starting pitcher in hopes of a playoff push.
   We'll break this deal down in detail tomorrow, but on the surface the Rangers - despite not giving up the farm (system) - need to make a deep post-season run and re-sign Garza next winter to win the trade.
   Right?

With a Departure, Rangers' Front-Office Drama Re-appears

   Rick George is gone.
   But the drama in the Texas Rangers' front office remains.
   With George's resignation as the organization's President of Business Operations yesterday to take the post as Colorado's Athletic Director, the cracks in the Rangers' foundation are re-surfacing. It was just four months ago - on a surreal spring training day in Surprise - that George was promoted, general manager Jon Daniels added a title of President of Baseball Operations and iconic legend Nolan Ryan was unceremoniously stripped of power by ownership.
   In the wake of those moves Ryan pondered leaving the club, but decided to swallow his pride and stay. Now, with George gone, the Rangers' hiring in that hole could determine Ryan's long-term future in Arlington. If the Rangers promote from within, a satiated Ryan will likely remain invested in the team. But if the Rangers turn to a Daniels guy or even consider a national search, Big Tex might just become Big Ex.
   None of this, of course, has any effect on the Rangers as they prepare for the post-All-Star schedule Friday night against the Baltimore Orioles. But it might change the face of the franchise.
   And, again, I remain steadfast in my belief that Daniels - not Ryan - is the more significant player in the Rangers' front office.
   Why?

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   It was Jon Daniels who orchestrated the Mark Teixeira heist. It was Jon Daniels who hired Ron Washington. It was Jon Daniels who traded for Josh Hamilton. It was Jon Daniels who assembled a baseball operations staff of savvy scouts and who so stockpiled the Texas Rangers that Baseball America ranked their farm system No. 1 just two years after gauging it No. 27.
   And he did it all before Nolan Ryan returned to Arlington in 2008.

   “We’ve seen Nolan win one of these battles with Chuck Greenberg,” a Rangers’ source told me back in March in Surprise. “But this one he’s going to lose. If it’s one or the other, the Rangers are prepared to hitch their wagon to JD.”

   Nolan is a local treasure, the Rangers' representative on the Metroplex's Mount Sportsmore. But Daniels is the shrewd baseball man that will maneuver the club to its first World Series.

   “I still report to Nolan, yes,” Daniels told me in March. “I think he’ll be here in his same role at the end of spring training and the end of the season. Of course I do. I don’t want him to leave.”

   At the time owner Bob Simpson, who teams with Ray Davis as the two major voices of controlling interest, said it would be a tragedy if Ryan departed the franchise. But here’s the genesis of the drama that could land Daniels in power and Ryan in retirement.

   The Ryan-Daniels relationship has always been as clunky as comfortable. The kid was educated at Cornell; the legend in the clubhouse. But it worked, and the end result were key personnel moves like trading for Cliff Lee and acquiring Yu Darvish and the Rangers peaked with consecutive World Series appearances in 2010-11.

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   It was then, just a month after coming within one strike of beating the St. Louis Cardinals for the championship, that the Rangers' axis began to wobble. Player development director Scott Servais took a job with the Anaheim Angels. Daniels, of course, assumed the position would be filled from within by promoting one in his stable of talented baseball people, like, perhaps, assistant GM Thad Levine. Ryan, of course, as the team’s President and CEO, assumed he would be allowed to fill the position with his preference.

   And the winner was … Ryan, who hired Tim Purpura. The Rangers’ new farm director just so happened to have been the Houston Astros’ GM at a time when Ryan was a special assistant and owned two Astros’ farm teams. He was Nolan’s guy. As later were Jackie Moore and Mike Maddux as new additions to the Rangers’ coaching staff.

   It was a power play by Ryan, whose ego may be even bigger than his legend. While he was putting his individual stamp on the organization’s personnel, Daniels was feeling emasculated. He and his prior work was being engulfed by Ryan’s 10-gallon hero. And just like that, the top-ranked staff he put together was feeling road-blocked by his boss.

   Two years later the solution was to give Daniels more power in the form of a promotion to President of Baseball Operations. In the same press release, George was elevated to President of Business Operations. And, though still atop the flow chart, Ryan’s power was diminished, if not altogether neutered.

   Truth? Ryan still wants to prove he’s got his Hall-of-Fame fastball. But he’s not fully invested, unflinchingly engaged or directly involved in the Rangers’ day-to-day baseball decisions. Like Daniels has been, since 2005.

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   I get it, he’s Nolan Ryan. 7 no-hitters. 300 wins. 5,000 strikeouts. There are two bobblehead nights at Rangers Ballpark this season: Yu Darvish and, yep, Nolan. Fair or not to Daniels, it’s Ryan who gets credit for resurrecting the Rangers into winners. And his bloodied headlock of Robin Ventura remains, to most fans, one of the greatest moments in franchise history.

   Nolan Ryan is the Big Tex of the State Fair. He’s iconic and cool and the face of the place. But, um, he’s not a ride or a fried food or really anything more tangible than the guy who sits next to George Dubya Bush. A larger-than-life mascot, if you will.

   Ryan has three years left on his contract but he just might walk away as the sour grapes loser of a tug-of-war with a younger, brighter baseball mind. Make no mistake, Ryan can remain CEO of the Texas Rangers. But he’ll do it with weakened authority and without veto power on Jon Daniels’ baseball moves.

   Or, once unthinkable, Ryan can leave the Texas Rangers.

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