Okay, let me get this straight: Yoenis Cespedes didn't make baseball's All-Star Game and hasn't hit a home run for the Oakland A's since June 21, but last night he walloped 32 dingers to win the 2013 All-Star Home Run Derby?
Yeah, totally makes sense.
But, come to think of it, lots of things about sports are nonsensical. Josh Brent still being a Cowboy. Rex Ryan running with the bulls in Spain. Mavs fans actually thinking they're going to finally hook a big fish. And tonight, when baseball will decide something as important as home-field advantage for the World Series via something as insignificant as an exhibition game.
That's right, since 1980 25 of the 32 World Series champs had the benefit of home-field advantage and again it will "awarded" to the team that plays in the league that wins tonight's All-Star Game.
Baseball, of course, isn't alone with its stupidity. There are inexplicable, asinine rules throughout sports, and it just so happens that I'm in the mood to identify the Top 10, and then fix them ...
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10.
Tennis Scoring – Look, I love this sport. To watch and to play. But a
system in which zero is Love and the points in a game are counted by 15, 30 and
then 40 and then “deuce” is just insane. From
now on: To win a game in tennis you have to win four points – counted
1-2-3-4 – and you have to win by two. Sorry, Love is overrated.
9.
Designated Hitter – A baseball game without pitchers hitting is like a
steak dinner, with no sides. Just meat, no strategy. No reason pitchers can’t
spend one of their four off days between starts working on at least being a .237
hitter. Imagine if Dirk Nowitzki only played offense for the Mavs? From now on: AL plays by the same rules as the NL. If you’re not in
good enough physical condition to play in the field, get your ass in shape or get on to your next career.
Right, Albert Pujols?
8.
Draft Order – Much ado about our government’s so-called “socialism” with
the haves propping up the have-nots. Why do we stand for it in sports? The
spoils of success should include a higher draft pick, not a lower one. In our existing system, we’re actually rewarding failure. As a kid it’s always
make-it-take-it and “losers walk,” not vice-versa. From now on: A championship in a pro league comes with a trophy, a
parade and next year’s No. 1 draft pick. Screw you, parity.
7.
Points For a Loss – C’mon hockey. You know better. Under your rules NBA and
NFL teams would get 1/3rd of a win for merely being tied after
regulation. From now on: Hockey has
a winner every night. If overtimes take too long, see and implement No. 2.
6.
Illegal Contact – Yeah, I get it. A defensive back shouldn’t significantly
impede the progress of a receiver in the secondary. But the problem is the
punishment is too penal. A 5-yard penalty should never equal an automatic first
down. From now on: Illegal
contact/interference penalties are neither spot fouls nor automatic first
downs. Take the spot of the penalty, get the number of yards the foul occurred
from the line of scrimmage and then half that total. There’s your penalty
yardage.
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5.
Extra Points – It’s the most automatic, predictable and mundane play in all
of sports. A team drives 80 yards with an efficient, rugged combo of running,
passing, blocking and shrewd play-calling. Then, with all the ease of pulling
the level on your recliner, a guy who’s rarely on the field comes out and
non-chalantly scores 1/6th as many points as the preceding drive. Using merely one foot. From now on: Football teams must go for
two points after every touchdown. And while we’re at it, how about
exterminating kickers altogether? Teams have four downs to make 10 yards or
else they give the ball to the defense. Sorry, FOOTball is overrated.
4.
Baseball Managers in Uniforms – Imagine how silly it would look for Rick
Carlisle to be suited up in shorts or Jason Garrett to be wearing a helmet
during games. From now on: Managers
must wear at least business casual and, oh, they’re also strictly prohibited
from running onto the field to stop play while haplessly arguing a judgment
call. And, as for pitching changes, players run off the field to hear the coach
in the dugout, not vice-versa. Like in football and basketball. Duh.
3.
Possession Arrow – Not sure why we got rid of jump balls in the first
place, but whatever the reason it was a hideous one. Taking turns getting
awarded the ball on jump balls is short-sighted, shallow and unfair. Wichita
State was down three late to Louisville in last March's Final Four when a tie ball occurred and,
because the arrow pointed to the Cardinals, never got a chance to tie the game.
If human refs can’t handle tossing a ball straight up 5 feet, then we need
better refs. From now on: Tie balls
= Jump balls. And get to work pronto on a mechanical gizmo that hovers over
courts and perfectly drops basketballs in the middle of the two contesting
players.
2.
Offsides – Hear me out soccer and hockey. One of the most exciting plays in
sports is the football bomb to an open receiver and the basketball breakaway
dunk behind the defense. In hockey you can’t be in the offensive zone before
the puck and in soccer you can’t receive a pass unless a defender is at least
even with you. Imagine, no more Tony Romo deep passes to Dez Bryant – unless
he’s covered. And LeBron James has to slow down and wait for his point guard to
catch up on a fast break. From now on:
Soccer and hockey players can accept a pass whenever and wherever they want. I
know, what a concept.
1.
Coin Flip – We’ve got instant replay
and yellow lines and safer helmets and DVRs and a relatively sophisticated,
advanced society. But we can’t come up with anything better to break a tie than
something we resorted to as 6-year-olds? Coins should not play a part in
sports. Ever. In baseball the home team bats last. In basketball it’s a jump
ball. But in football it’s just left to chance … to “heads” or “tails”? From now on: The home team gets the
choice as to whether it wants the ball to start the game. And, in overtime, the team with
the most yards in that particular game gets the ball first. Until we change
coins out of sports, we’re all just Neanderthals watching an archaic hobby.
