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Thursday, May 4, 2017

MAY THE FOURTH BE ... NOTHING OTHER THAN CINCO DE MAYO EVE


   I don't hate Star Wars.
   But what I do despise is hearing our country confusing cleverness with laziness. Take today, for example.
   Because Star Wars is popular and "fourth" sounds like "force" - sorta, kinda I guess - people are attempting to enthusiastically empower each other with the cunning use of a fabricated phrase that makes no sense.
   May the fourth be with you!
   With each utterance, America's Wonderlic score plummets toward Mo Claiborne territory.
   Fortunately, we only have to withstand this nonsensical barrage once a year. As for the other 364 days ... The 10 Worst Sayings I Wish Would Never Again Be Said:

   10. "_gate" - The sportswriters' crutch when anything abnormal happens. From Spygate to Deflategate, if you can't think of anything more original and creative then go be a plumber. Please.
   9. "It is what it is" - Never heard anyone say "It is what it isn't", because, well, that sounds incredibly ignorant. Next time just go with "It is." Or, better yet, just quietly pass your turn to someone smarter.
   8. "Just sayin'" - Used by those with insufficient vocabulary and flimsy communication skills, which renders them incapable of clearly stating their point. Next time you hear this phrase, simply replace it with "I can't think of any more words!" Guaranteed it will fit.
   7. "We control our destiny" - See, destinies are inherently pre-ordained events and road maps designed by a higher intelligence to steer our lives, regardless of our actions. You can no more control your destiny than you can influence Earth's orbit. By definition, your destiny controls you.
   6. "Git r done" - When Nike prodded us to "Just Do It" it was an iconic call to action. But when folks plot their strategy of success upon Larry The Cable Guy's diluted bastardization it just sounds ... ewwww. Hint: Your plan should be wholly discernible from your goal.
   5. "Love is blind" - Nope, and neither is lust. Which is why our vanity empire dwarfs our education budget.
   4. "Give 110%" - Fools who say this clearly gave only 73% during Math and Science class.
   3. "Everything happens for a reason" - Try selling that to the Alzheimer's victim and surrounding family immersed in a devastating, drawn-out decline toward death. Remind them again the reason for this part of "everything" being crow-barred into their grand plan.
   2. "I could care less" - Yeah, and be sure to say it with an animated, angry face and punctuate it with a fiercely extended index finger. Because, of course, what you meant was the exact opposite. As in, I don't care one bit therefore it isn't possible for me to care any less. "I couldn't care less." Genius.
   1. "'merica" - Lopping off the first letter and syllable of our country's name doesn't make you sound patriotic or folksy. Merely uneducated. Now, about why we dropped the "North" part ...

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